Motherhood

Where I Am Is Where I Am

I’ve been writing a lot lately about parenting and my kids. This summer has afforded me the right to read a bunch of books.  Some are on leadership. Some are Christian “self-help” books.  Some are on parenting and raising boys.  So, if you aren’t a parent or are no longer in the throws of raising kids, hopefully, you’ll still glean something that you can apply to your life when you read my posts.  This is just where I am.  It’s my geography, if you will. I’m becoming increasingly aware of how little I have parented my sons.  My apathetic and pathetic mindset of just go out and play and leave me alone so I can…has absolutely shamed me.  I am a mother, for cryin’ out loud.  They are my sons.  They need me. And I need them. Not only that, but I want them.  I am slowing down and paying closer attention to them and their needs.  I am enjoying them more because I’m actually becoming a student of them.  Learning about the things that make them tick and what ticks them off 🙂 I’m losing my agenda and making sure that these boys know that they are not an inconvenience to me as I’ve so often treated them.  That their scraped knees and hurt feelings are more important to me than answering an email or reading up on the latest updates on The Twitter.  While I still feel its important to make a little “detox” time for me during the day since mothering is so demanding, I must remember that this is a choice I made.  To have children.  To be a mother.  To raise these small boys into grown men who actually follow Christ with their whole hearts and in turn, change their world.  One person at a time. Yes, I know many of you are thinking I am way too hard on myself.  That is probably true.  Being this way is such a “Cindy” thing.  People who know me the best hardly have to confront me on things because I’m so self-aware…sometimes to a fault.  I mean, I can’t remember a time when someone said something to me about the way I am where I didn’t already know it in my spirit. It’s a curse, almost, to be so in tune with who you are and who you are not and who you don’t want to be.  But, I suppose the alternative, being blissfully unaware of your faults and thinking you are right on track, is equally disheartening.  People who are like that just don’t know it. So, I keep pressing on as I journey through motherhood.  Praying that I’ll keep my heart in tune with my Savior.  Falling in love and being mesmerized by little boys who really do take my breath away.

17 thoughts on “Where I Am Is Where I Am”

  1. I’m a frequent lurker on your site Cindy, & although I’ve commented a handful of times, I really want to come out of the shadows and let you know how much your blog blesses me. I read many of the “big” blogs online, but yours has always spoken to me the most. There’s something about you that I just get, which is funny, because our lives are very different. 🙂 I’m still a single gal, dreaming about the future & wondering what it will hold, and you’re living the life that I’ve always wanted..raising a family with your husband. It’s funny, huh? Anyway, I just want to thank you for always being entirely honest about where you’re at in life.

    The internet age has become an obsession for so many people (myself included). I’ve been working as a live-in nanny for my cousin for two years, and I can see this being a struggle for me as well. I want so badly to love these kiddos every single day, in every moment, the way they deserve to be loved. So this post particularly, I can really relate to. 🙂

    Thanks again Cindy! May God continue to bless & enrich your path!

    -M.

  2. i totally understand what you’re saying. i often feel that my biggest parenting mistake is i parent from the kitchen sink or the laundry room rather than just getting face to face with my kids and engaging!

  3. Cindy, I have been reading your blog for several months now and it has been a blessing to me for sure! My husband and I are expecting our fist child next month…a son!! When I found out we were having a boy, I felt humbled that God would trust us with raising a boy who would grow into a man of God, leader, and one who will change the world, one person at a time (as you said)! Sometimes, when I think about the responsibility I have, it overwhelms me! Even though my son is not born yet, your blog encourages me to be the best mother I can be.

    You mentioned that you have been reading books on raising boys, could you share some of the good ones with us? I would love to pick some up!

  4. Even as I parent my teenage son at times with great difficulty, I found that if I get face to face with him and try to understand where he is coming from, I find freedom and movement in our relationship. I feel a bond that I have never felt before. He shares with me and i with him. We get through life together.

  5. Amen! You could be speaking words right out of my heart. Before long school will start up again and three of my kids will be so busy that we’ll have to squeeze in mommy time. I’ll take all that I can get now, before summer is over.

  6. I know exactly what you are talking about with the being so self aware issue. I have the same problem…..although, i have seen the extreme other side from that, and I’m pretty sure it’s actually a good thing to be that way. There is nothing more hopeless than a person who CANNOT see themselves.

    You’re such a great example of motherhood to me. I guess since I never had that growing up, I look for it and notice it more when it’s present in other women. It confirms in me yet again that it really can be and is wonderful.

  7. I can SOOO identify with this post! I’m very self-aware, too…at least, I’m very much always trying to be…looking inward to see, “Do _I_ do that?”

    But God has also been dealing with me on my parenting. I’m letting discipline slide when it’s needed, and letting love and grace slide when they’re needed. I’m getting lazy and selfish, taking time and attention from them for myself, rather than giving it when they need it, and taking time for myself when I need it and when the time is right, rather than stealing it from them here and there and everywhere.

    It goes with my prayer: “Lord, order my days.”

  8. thanks, Cindy! this post reminds me that not a day goes by (if I have my eyes on Him) that I don’t learn something about Jesus~ from or through my children. gotta love motherhood…..even on the rough days!

  9. I can so identify. I have to ask myself, why did I start my company and the answer is to be able to spend more time with my child. I have been battling with the fact that I have managed to put my cell phone, laptop, clients and everything in front of my biggest priority. God has a magical way of humbling us to bring things into perspective.

  10. Dear Cindy,

    I just wanted to say your blog is a blessing to me. I can so totally relate to everything you mentioned today regarding wanting to be a better parent not because you necessarily have to but because you know parenting is a gift. One that includes expectations of our Heavenly Father to raise them to be godly men and women. Thank you for sharing your heart and your trials it is helping countless people.

    In HIM,

  11. Wow! This is truly an amazing story. It has brought me back to reality about my feelings on being a parent to my three and four yr old smart and wonderful boys. I have two teen daughters as well that I am guilty of treating the same way. Reading this has reminded me that they are innocent of all the things I accuse them of and I am the guilty one.

  12. “It’s a curse, almost, to be so in tune with who you are and who you are not and who you don’t want to be.”

    I’ve asked God about that ‘curse’ and he tells me that what I might see as a curse is really a blessing that others ask for. …. changed my perspective it did….

    V.

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