Thinking Out Loud

The Inner Cindy & The Outer Cindy

My husband confessed his a heap of sin that devastated my world in an instant. Most victims would blame and curse and scream and have some sort of childish tantrum.  And I guess I did some of that but it was mostly on the inside.  Not that it wouldn’t have been perfectly understandable for me to have acted in such a way, but it just isn’t me.  I’ve never been the woe is me person nor have I acted that I have a pitiful existence on this earth. Cuz I don’t, y’all. Even in the midst of hearing things come from your husband’s mouth I still knew that God loved me.  I didn’t quite understand why this course of events had to enter my pathway in life, but nonetheless, I still trusted God.  Still do today. So one might find it incredibly odd that after a period of weeks I began to examine the Inner Cindy to see how she might have played a role in all of this mess that was now my new normal.  Not for a second did I think it was my fault that my husband was unfaithful. Because he wouldn’t let me. That husband of mine took full responsibility, and rightly so, for acting in such unbecoming ways toward me, toward our marriage, toward our God.  That alone deserves a medal because very few of the fallen do such a thing. But that’s just my opinion.  What do I know? What I found in the Inner Cindy is that she influenced the Outer Cindy tremendously.  What I mean is that the characteristics that made up the inner me were exhibited to those around me on a daily basis.  I wore insecurity on myself like a winter coat. Even in the summer. I enabled things to happen and rarely, if ever, stood up for righteousness in my marriage.  I never wanted to appear to be out of control or needy to those around me.  I took a route that cowards do on more occasions than I can remember.  I didn’t like how the Inner Cindy made the Outer Cindy act. I don’t think I was a fake, by any means, but just a scared little girl inside a grown woman’s body doing all she knew to do with the insecurities she hadn’t yet pushed through. But today?  Today, y’all, I have pushed through those things that made the Inner Cindy act so full of fear and dissatisfaction. The great thing now is that the Inner Cindy is healthy and full of peace and joy and hope and faith and confidence in who she is as a child of the King of Kings. I guess you could say that now, when one sees the Outer Cindy, it’s the Inner Cindy shining through. Just thinking out loud.

3 thoughts on “The Inner Cindy & The Outer Cindy”

  1. Wow Cindy… Um… I feel like you crawled into my head & heart and copied that. God is SO Amazing! I can’t even begin to comprehend His greatness. Praise Him!

  2. You are one of the most amazing, strong women I know. I hope to have half the faith that you have someday!! And if I am ever faced with the same situation, I hope I handle it with as much grace as you did!

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