Loving Right


Somewhere along the 7-year mark in our marriage, Chris and I read a book called The Five Love Languages. We quickly learned what our languages were and that we’d been trying to love each other only to find that we were speaking the wrong language. Can anyone hear what I’m sayin’? Let me explain. Occasionally, Chris would come home early from work. He’d come in, get his grubby clothes on and go outside and mow the yard. Sometimes he would even wash my car. Then, he’d come inside and say, “I mowed the yard for you and washed your car.” My thought? Big fat hairy deal. I couldn’t have cared less. However comma I made an attempt, a poor one at that, to thank him. I, on the other hand, would often ask him to sit down next to me on the sofa so we could talk and connect. Or maybe I would ask him to go to the grocery story with Noah and me. He’d always oblige but was far from thrilled at the offer. Chris was loving me the way he wanted to be loved. And I was loving him the way I wanted to be loved. He is an acts of service kind of guy, and I am a quality time girlie girl. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. That’s right! You’ve been loving each other incorrectly for over seven years. Tell ’em what they’ve won, Johnny. Needless to say, we both changed the way we did things. It actually became rather fun for us, too. I’d look for ways to love him by doing things for him. Right before he comes home from work, I’ll pick up around the house and light a candle. Simple tasks but they tell him, “My woman loves me.” And I love to put a smile on his handsome face. He is also amazing at spending quality time with me. He’ll often come home and say, “Why don’t we all go to the park together?” Sniff…tear…are you serious? You love me that much?

As a matter of fact he does.

Anybody out there have any love language stories to share?

19 thoughts on “Loving Right”

  1. I use this in my Prep 4 Marriage Classes; it’s a great tool. My wife and I are both acts of service, which makes it difficult sometimes… If I am cleaning the garage and she is inside folding clothes and we would both like the other one to help yada yada yada yada 😉

  2. I’ve read a couple of this books. It helped me not only understand those around me but myself included. Time has always been very precious to me and for me to take time with/for someone is a really big deal. Those for whom time is not precious won’t recognize these acts of love. Since reading these books, I go out of my way to find out what languages those around me speak and I speak their language. But we need to receive love as well so if we fail to communicate what our mother tongue is, the blame rests upon our shoulders squarely. Communication, after all, is a two way street. Love your posts!! Thanks for taking the time to write!

  3. My wife is a quality time gal and I’m an acts of service guy. We’ve been married 2.5 years and it’s a constant struggle to be reminded of the other’s love language. We read the book in a premarital counseling class we both took together in college (she’s a Christian counselor) and it helped a lot at the time, but we constantly need to be reminded of our own needs and the needs of the other.

    Your posts are always valuable for me and Erica. Thanks for being transparent and letting your life bless strangers like us.

  4. Wow, yes, my husband and I have been married ten years and we still struggle with this. I’m acts of service and he’s time/physical touch. So I run around the house doing things and he’s just waiting for me to take a moment with him and hug him or kiss him. Drives me nuts! Gary Chapman is coming to a church near us in a few weeks and I can’t wait to go see him!

  5. Oh No! Not the Love Language topic. Just Kidding! My husband and I are constantly trying to figure out how to meet each others needs enough. We are striving to be intensional. It is always a balancing act trying to be all things to everyone and simply finding the time to connect. What I have found over the years is …no time means no time …void! and intensional time creates memories. Cindy…You Rock!

  6. This is an excellent book, and my wife and I just finished reading it this month. I feel like my primary love language has changed over the years (with kids and the like). But as a husband it’s comforting to stop taking stabs in the dark about what might make my wife understand my love for her; and really be intentional.

    Speaking your wife’s love language has some inherent benefits as well!

  7. Even as a single person, I have found the precepts in this book to be most helpful. I have learned that my mom is acts of service, my dad is quality time, and several of my friends are words of affirmation. Knowing a person’s love language always helps develop the relationship, no matter what that relationship is. Chapman’s book is great and I re-read it every few years or so.

  8. Funny you mentioned this book. I referenced the love languages yesterday. Someone in our life group said “Quality time to myself” was his love language. Part of me wanted to high five him.

    Seriously, knowing your mate’s LL is so important! It’s purposeful partnering!

  9. Weird, Kim did just mention that! JT is physical touch a fa-fillion percent. In fact to this day he has to remind me. It’s OK, I have to remind him to tell me how great I am. We’ve got it worked out and our love banks are FULL! We’ll his is a little wanting cuz of the newborn and all. But that might be more than you want to know! 🙂

  10. We have not read the book, but we thankfully have figured out each other’s love language. My husband’s is acts of service and gifts. Mine is physical touch and quality time. Once you start paying attention, it is easy to see what the other person’s love language is by what they do. I have also learned to appreciate when he is loving me with his love language.

  11. its called sex….ooops sorry i meant to say “physical touch”
    It took my wife Lorren and I a bit of work to get to a common ground….don’t laugh ladies.

    I’m a doer
    Lorren is affirmation

  12. Mine is gifts with acts of service. His is physical touch. Needless to say we both have a lot of work to do in our areas.
    It’s usually a power struggle to see who is going to do what for each other. Not good. But we keep working on it!

  13. no stories come to mind, but knowing each other’s “love language” has yielded great fruit in our relationship. I have recommended that book to many! 🙂

  14. My husband and I heard Gary Chapman speak and it was really entertaining, insightful, and fun. I just laugh when I hear the love languages because I always think physical touch – that’s me!…. wait no, quality time – that’s me!…. wait no, words of affirmation – that’s me!…. wait no, service – that’s me!
    🙂 Let’s just say I want it all. (I promise I’m not too high maintenance!)

    Although I did realize after a while that my mom’s love language is gifts so now it is very meaningful to me when she spends so much time and money on gifts for me. I used to think that it was a waste and the money should go to the poor (I know, not very grateful right?). But now I think about how much she must love me to go to all the trouble. Thanks Gary.

  15. I am so glad that my husband and I learned this in the first couple of years. It’s the best thing that’s happened to us because we now understand each other so much better!

  16. No, but I think Amber and I are going to read this book next. I have heard so many great things about this book. My best friend went through this book with his wife and they can’t stop talking about it. Can’t wait to read it. I’ll let you know how it goes.

  17. Jerome and I read this in a life group many moons ago when we were first married. He has always told me his love language is sex..haha! Seriously, that is it…he is a simple guy 🙂 Mine is acts of service.

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