Lose The Agenda

I’m a yeller. Not Old Yeller, but a yeller. I can scream real loud. My voice carries fairly well even when I’m just talking. You know the whole “unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit” that is mentioned in 1 Peter 3? Never fit that bill. Tried to. Wanted to. Prayed that I would. Just can’t. That is unless I have laryngitis. While being heard can have its advantages, this trait, unfortunately, can also break spirits. And there’s nothing that breaks my heart more than when I look into the beautiful, blue eyes of my little boys after I have literally taken their heads off with my yelling. I loathe this about myself. I can’t count the mornings I’ve woken up vowing not to yell at my boys. Within a short time, that promise has already been broken. So, instead of trying to make new rules for myself in the way I speak to them as their mother, I decided to get to the root of why I lose verbal control so much. I think I found an answer after much soul searching. My agenda. Before I was a mother, I dreamed about being one. I imagined how full of bliss and joy it would be. I longed for the days of teaching them and reading to them. Giving hugs and sharing kisses would be a regular occurrence in our home. Well, those days are here and I have often wished them away. When I thought about motherhood years ago, I didn’t take into consideration the things that I would need to get accomplished. Things like laundry and meals and housework and grocery shopping and doctor visits. But, these are very real things in my life on a daily basis that need to get completed. And when I’m trying to complete them and my boys need me, I lose it. Not to mention when I’m trying to watch my favorite TV show every Monday night. (No names.) I mean, is it crazy to sit down for an hour in the evening in order to watch some mindless show so that I don’t have to think? Can’t I have any time to myself? Why can’t they just leave me alone?!!! I’m quite certain it’s because they are children and they need me. Hello? I’m the parent. I doubt they are trying to ruin my alone time or make me mad. I shouldn’t expect them to fend for themselvesĀ on things they certainly cannot. They need me. And quite frankly, the want to be with me. My pastor often says, “Sacrifice is giving up something you love for something you love more.” Now, I think Jack Bauer is awesome and all, but I love my boys more. After all, isn’t that why DVR’s were created? I think so. I have been making choices over the last several months to lose my agenda for the sakes of my boys. And I’ve found that when I do and when I expect to be there for them, I am not yelling, nor am I easily frustrated. I now find myself actually enjoying being with them more. There are times during the day that I need to get things done, but even still, I remind myself that they will still need me. They are still my priority.Ā  I’m not yelling nearly as much. And we’re all happier for it. Have those closest to you become a burden? If so, it just might be time to lose your agenda.

7 thoughts on “Lose The Agenda”

  1. I don’t yell, but I can snap and I hate the look on their faces when I hurt their feelings. I love the fact that I’m not the only one who has prayed for the gentle spirit and it just doesn’t happen. I guess we could have a gentle spirit inside and still be our party girl outside! Yeah, let’s pray for that!

  2. interesting how our agendas can manufacture expectations that god never had planned for us, and thus we live outside of his will for us and do not realize it.

  3. wow. This was timely. I thought I had moved beyond my yelling moments, at least for a while. And BOOM! The other day I blew up with my 6 yr old son. It broke my heart b/c I had to drop him off at school, and he left looking so defeated. Sad. Lonely. It made me sick to my stomach all morning. So much so, that I made plans to eat lunch with him in the cafeteria (preschooler in tow) to apologize and ask for forvgiveness. The next day he came to me, out of the blue, and was all teary-eyed. I asked what was wrong. He said, “mommy, forgive me for not saying bye to you when you dropped me off at school after you yelled at me.”

    oh. My heart. Yes, we’re learning what forgiveness is. Yes, it was a teachable moment. Yes, I’m glad he gets it.

    I just don’t want to give him anymore opportunities like that. Thank you Lord for being gracious and merciful to me again. AGAIN. AGAIN. AGAIN. Continue to grow me in this area.

    Help me LOSE my agenda. Because I definitely have one. Help me make your agenda mine. DAILY.

    Thanks Cindy.

  4. I am definitely a “raise my voice” kind of gal. But, I have been losing my agenda since I went back to work. After I got used to the ebb and flow of it all (read as stopped stressing about every little thing) I started yelling less in an effort to make the time we were all at the house more harmonious. That, and often times, I’m too tired to yell. =)

    Very good post.

  5. wow! do you suppose that you wrote this post just so that I would read it!!!??? I needed to hear that this morning. I had one of “those mornings”. I hate them, and yet I create them!! Thanks for the wake up call. I just have WAY too much on my agenda today and that’s what caused the tension this morning. I’m getting my eraser out right now!!! Time to do some agenda clearing. thanks, Cindy!!!

  6. Tonight, this 23 year old guy told me his testimony – that he never felt completely accepted by his parents and when he was young, he thought everyone would be happier without him in their lives (like 10)….

    It was a wake up call to me that we have one safe place in this world and that is in our family circle – we have a chance to love our kids with God’s unconditional love or in our flesh – that is performance or emotions-based.

    Thanks for this Cindy. It is a great reminder for all family’s!
    Homeschooling has definately changed our family…

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