Marriage

Life After Porn – Part 2

What Now? Within thirty minutes, a couple of our pastors came over to our house. Their attempts to even speak were futile. I was crying, Chris was scared for his life and they sat across from us hoping they’d wake up soon. After learning the news, they left and I was alone with my husband. I hated him and I loved him and I didn’t want him near me and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted details and he reluctantly shared them. I wanted dates but he could not supply them. I wanted to know why he did this to me…to us. For that, he had an answer. Pornography. Seriously? I thought he struggled with looking at a few naked girls from time to time on the internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought. I was married to a full-blown porn addict. He explained that simply viewing images of naked women no longer appealed to him. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more repulsive desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him and he acted out. As you can imagine, my husband’s resignation was forthcoming. Had he been employed in the corporate world, that wouldn’t have been necessary. But a pastor at a church? (You do the math.) His resignation brought even more death to my broken heart. Not only was our marriage deeply wounded and more than likely beyond repair, my ministry was lost, too. I would no longer be singing on the stage that had become my home in ministry for the past several years. No longer would I be pouring into mentoring relationships with women. Now, I was the one who needed to be ministered to. This role was not something I was accustomed to at all. Next to our marriage being absolutely torn to shreds, the most devastating part was trying to go about some semblance of a life for the heart of our 3-year old. I tried to hide my tears from him but that was a feat far too difficult to perfect. One day he walked in on me when I was crying and said, “Why you so sad fo mommy?” What in the world was I supposed to do.

6 thoughts on “Life After Porn – Part 2”

  1. I am so so proud of you guys to overcome something as major as this and stay married. I have several friends and family members that gave up after facing obstacles that seem miniscule in comparison. I feel like everyone considering throwing in the towel should be directed to your blog, first. 🙂

  2. Umm WOW! Girl your story needs to be heard. Thank you for sharing! God bless you for hanging in there too.

    I’m a PW and I know the ministry has many negatives…..like stealing the workaholic husband from his family as well as many others. I can tell you that porn has touched many lives in horrible ways. So often ministry families.
    My heart goes out to any that are struggling with this.
    It’s not easy to walk away from once they are ensnared.

  3. oh the memories. so familiar. I pray everyday they are never again a reality. Do you feel that you live in fear of that in a sense? How do you not go there in your own mind? And is it wrong for me to go there? I wish I could just forget so I won’t fear.

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