Marriage

Let’s Face It

Some marriages won’t make it. Now, don’t go thinkin’ I don’t have faith.  I’ve got faith.  Plenty of it. My making that statement has nothing to do with God and His ability.  It has everything to do with the fact that we humans have been given a free will by Him. Some people can’t seem to forgive when they’ve been forgiven so much.  Some people can’t seem to walk in godly sorrow and do what it takes to win their spouse back after betrayal.  Some people can’t seem to admit they have a problem and because of that, want to ignore the pain and push it away only to find that one day when they round the corner, it will still be there waiting for them. My husband and I try to help as many couples as possible who have walked through infidelity.  We don’t typically spend time with couples who just need some mentoring or just want to learn how to communicate better. No, the reality is that there are far too many couples that need our help to walk through infidelity.  And since we have a file on that, we try to help.  I say try because not all couples are willing to do whatever it takes to make their marriage work.  One might be willing while the other might just be giving lip service. There have been times when we’ve spent a couple of hours with a couple and then decided not to spend any more time with them.  It sounds harsh, but the truth is that we have only so many hours in our day to share with broken couples.  And we want to make sure we are pouring into those couples who are 100% committed and who can then in turn, use their pain in the life of another. Because we are all about redemption.

8 thoughts on “Let’s Face It”

  1. I think you are taking the right approach with this type couple.

    My husband and I would qualify, except he isn’t giving any lip service at all. He his not willing to talk about any of it, in anyway. We went to one counseling session and he refused to go back. I believe it is due to shame. I struggled for a long time with whether to give up on our 23 year marraige.

    Then I discover your blog and read your testimony and decided from your words and experience to give it everything I’ve got and trust God with it (plus God kept telling me to forgive him).

    Then “The Power of a Praying Wife” was mentioned in one your blogs and commented on by several others. I started with praying a prayer each day for a month and am now going back through with the aid of the study guide at a much slower pace. There has been much progress and there will be much more I’m sure.

    It has been one year and four months since I discovered the infidelity and confronted him. At that time, I thought all was lost.

    My point is that if the couple is not cooperating, then give it time. If a least one of them is seeking Gods guidance, then He will make a path, and the path may or may not come back to you.

    My final point is that what you are doing here on this blog is more than any of us can imagine.

    Thank you and God bless you!

  2. I love your blog Cindy…truly. I honestly could comment every single day of the week…however I’m sparing you from my ramblings. 🙂 Having had my own experience with infidelity I can agree with you 100% – things aren’t going to work unless each person is 100% committed to doing what it takes to get through the gunk and make it work. There’s no “kinda sorta workin’ on it” when your dealing with your marriage and somebody straying from it. In my case we both had to go deep…it was uncomfortable and at times scarry. I never would have thought those years of intense pain and heartache would have been part of my life-story, but they are. Not only did I come out on the other side with a relationship with my husband (ok – ex husband because we went so far as to get divorced) that is unbelievably good, I came out with a deeper, stronger and much more personal relationship with God….and for that I am forever grateful.

  3. Cindy –

    Thanks for all that you and Chris do for hurting couples. I also think that you have the right focus for the couples you are willing to work with. I would just encourage you not to leave someone with no hope when their spouse is not immediately repentant and/or willing to work on the relationship. So often the deception that the wayward spouse is under is very strong, and they become the enemy’s mouthpiece. Despite this, all hope is not lost. While your ministry may not be able to help, there are ministries out there with the specific purpose of supporting a spouse who has felt called by God to stand for their marriage. http://www.rejoiceministries.org and http://www.covenantkeepersinc.org are two that are doing some wonderful work. Each is headed by couples with marriages healed after divorce. You may be surprised to know that there are literally thousands of people who are standing for their marriages, and they are doing it all over the world. There’s even a national conference which has been held every year in your neck of the woods. The testimonies of healed marriages are amazing. I can’t recall if I shared with you about Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs’ story of reconciliation after divorce. Cheryl was essentially standing for her marriage, and their book “I Do Again” would probably be a great resource to share with a hurting spouse when there seems to be no hope.

    Standers refer to their departed spouses as prodigals to acknowledge their rebellious choices and the deception that they are under. And just like the father in the parable, standers are praying that their prodigals will come to their senses and return home, where they will be welcomed with open arms.

    Standing is not the solution for every hurting marriage, as it is not something done in one’s own strength. Its not a matter of being willing to do anything to get your spouse back. Its about being willing to surrender it all to God and let Him work.

  4. I am actually the one who has done the wronging and deception, but I am also the one standing for my marriage. My spouse is hanging in there, but I don’t feelhe is really devoted to the marriage anymore. Understandable, I know. I’m really just happy he didn’t leave me, but I am also not going to be satisfied if we aren’t truly in it for the right reasons. I am totally devoted to getting our marriage back on track,and he is starting to look away. We have a couple that we are really close to lately. I am really excited to have a close girlfriend, but now it seems like my spouse wants to spend more time with her than I do. Maybe I’m a liitle suspicious too, because I have been in this position before when we were dating, plus I got too close to a friend of our’s last year. There’s a lot of baggage going on there!!! Well, anyway, I can’t deny what I have been seeing. The way he looks at her, the way he treats her. He laughs at her quirks and gets aggitated at mine. I’m fighting hard, but should I be? Maybe I have burned my bridge with him. What right do I have to ask him to be faithful, since I wasn’t. I have asked for forgiveness and I have admitted I sinned. I know I was seduced by Satan last year, and I let him have free reign over my life. I have been thouroughly punished for it. I just want a second chance. He told me he would give it to me, but I’m worried it’s just until he finds someone else to love better. I have confronted him about it, but he says it isn’t true. I’m not blind though. What should I do? My gut tells me to fight, but my pride tells me, it’s demeaning to keep begging for him back. Maybe it’s not meant to be. Maybe I’m just chooped liver now.

  5. Thanks Cindy for helping marriages. I agree, you can’t try to force something on parties who are unwilling. It is so discouraging. I am not sure where you are located, but I work for Love and Respect and we have a program called the Intensives. They are held in Malibu and for couples who need more than just a conference or book. http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/marriage_intensives.php Maybe it could be something you check out for the people who seem to be at the end? Someone sent me your site, so it was a pleasure to check out. Blessings to you and your husband as you help others.

  6. I am divorced but I believe in reconciliation. I trust God and his sovereignty and I pray my ex will stop being deceived that we have no hope together. God is working behind the scenes and I know it’s not over until it’s over. Our relationship ended over me being diagnosed as bipolar after a second car accident. He couldn’t deal with the mania (not depression). God has since healed me through the help of an excellent chiropractor that showed the damage of my neck and what was causing the imbalance in my body. I pray that my husband sees me again and not what was the past. I am praying for everyone else who seeks God to work things out for them. There is NOTHING too hard for GOD–absolutely nothing. Pray people–be humble and love God with all your heart, soul and mind! Peace and blessings–JOY

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