How To Fight Well – Part 1

The hubby and I will celebrate 16 years of marriage in January, Lord willing. I absolutely love being married to him. I love the friendship we have. I love looking into my son’s eyes and seeing their Daddy’s face. Nothing quite like it. I don’t want to sound like I’m boasting but I may accomplish that with what I am about to share. People around me tell me how they’d love a relationship like Chris and I have. They are amazed at the respect we show one another and how we put each other above our own desires. They are impressed with the way we handle conflict and resolve issues without getting into fights. And I tell them that it really is good. Very good. That it really is as it appears. That we really do adore, admire and cherish each other. And then I tell them that it wasn’t free. To get where we are now was no small feat. We wasted plenty of time belittling one another with our words thinking that we were winning a fight, only to find that there was another tally in the loss column. When that type of action is displayed in someone, in some relationship, no one wins. So, if you will allow me, I’d love to tell you several things that Chris and I do now when we have disagreements. The first thing we do is keep the past in the past. We don’t bring up an issue that is already settled. We don’t throw things in the other’s face when we’ve already worked through it. Period. End of story. Another concept we try to abide by is to remove sarcasm from our discussions and disagreements. Sarcasm rarely does anything uplifting. It is usually at the expense of another and just pretty much crushes the spirit. We also make try extremely hard not to lash out with words about the other person’s character.  We stick to the issue at hand.  Instead of attacking my husband, I try to focus on what has happened without aiming to break his heart with my ugly words.  One final idea that we really make an effort to do when we fight is to examine ourselves. If Chris brings up an issue about me that is bothering him, I do my best to ask myself, “Is there any truth to this?” And you know what? There usually is. He knows me very well. Why do we think our spouses are out to get us? Cuz you know that many of you think that. I used to but now realize that Chris has my best interest at heart. He is the one who comes to my aid, defends me and cheers me on in this life. And I couldn’t be more blessed.

16 thoughts on “How To Fight Well – Part 1”

  1. That’s some great advice.

    One of the the things Lisa and I agreed on early on was to never go to bed angry with each other or with unresolved issues. This has been a tough one but it has ensured that we don’t allow small arguments to turn into big ones that grow roots of bitterness in our lives.

  2. I live by these rules also. Along with no using the kids against eachother. Never ever disagree about a punishment handed down by a parent. If we don’t agree with what the other did we discuss it in private.

    You give the best advise!!

  3. Everything you’ve said about how to disagree and resolve a potential “situation” is so profound yet in reality it is so very simple – much like how Christ resolved His differences. It’s really just a matter of love and respect. It’s really just a matter about treating people we say we love as Christ loves the church.
    I’ve read your testimony. Although I cannot fathom how very deep and immobilizing your pain was it wrenches at my heart strings still. What is so very lovely is to witness God’s promise fulfilled, that He can and will use every adverse situation for His glory and our benefit, if we continue to walk in His ways. What a ministry He has given you both. 🙂

  4. Cindy,

    I ran across your blog tonight… Would you mind emailing me back? I have found myself in somewhat of the same situation and would love to have your insight and support. My email is Thank you.

  5. i’ll never forget something drew said when we first started dating… something came up and i was a little avoidant of conflict, but drew said that he needed me to communicate, because we needed to learn how to fight with one another. we needed to learn how to work through disagreements and arguments and misunderstandings, and do it right.

    granted, i think he’s MUCH better at conflict than i am, but thankfully he’s gentle enough to get me back in line when i need it…

    i love my man. even the fighter in him.

  6. thank you for this post Cindy. your blog is just so encouraging. I am printing that off and carrying it in my purse for a little while. Our issue is misunderstanding, so often I find myself saying “i didn’t mean it like that!” and then it just keeps going round and round. I have cried so much in the past few months, it’s just crazy. CRAZY because we should be the happiest we’ve ever been. We have been thru hell and back – and I mean that. God plucked us up out of our miserable lives and performed miracles I still can’t believe. My husband was delievered of a serious drug addiction, just 2yrs ago. He is filled with the Holy Spirit and is serving God with his whole heart and his whole life. He is finally a spiritual leader in our home and a true husband and father. Never in my whole life have a ever had this kind of stability and spiritual leadership. I have also sought counseling and healing for my hurts and sins. I know that I have been forgiven so much and I seek God daily.

    and yet, we have these daily arguments, that end with me crying and him silent.

    Everytime hubby & I start to get into one of those, I am going to pull out this sheet, read it and pray pray pray

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