On that devastating, February morning many years ago, a slew of things went through my mind. Questioning Chris’ love for me did not. I still find that odd even writing that today. Maybe it is because I’m walking through my own addiction issues and can better understand his pornography addiction today. I know now that he did love me, still loves me, will always love me. But for a season in his life, He loved himself more. One thing that I have come to believe about most people is that no matter what terrible things they do in their lives, no matter how many hearts they break along the way, they actually still love the people closest to them. They just love themselves more. The man who abandons his wife for another woman but tells his kids he still loves them…I think he does to a certain extent. I just think he loves himself more. The woman who continues to succumb to her demons with alcohol while she is the caregiver for her children probably does genuinely care for them. I just think she loves herself more. I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but I have found it to be true many times. Even in my own life. For me, not being completely forthcoming about my food addiction and subsequent dishonesty to my husband didn’t negate my love for him. It just intensified my love for myself. I loved him, my sons, my family…I just loved me more. On the heels of a week-long confession, I’m learning to love myself less and those around me more. I imagine I’ll battle my whole life this desire to place myself, my flesh above others, but I will keep fighting it. But instead of focusing on the bad, the fleshly acts, I will focus on feeding my spirit. Because when we feed the spirit, the flesh will starve.