Feelings. Nothing More That Feelings.

How does one have an emotional relationship with the opposite sex when he/she is married? I’ve been asked that in some form or fashion by plenty of people. And I’ve got to tell you. It’s tricky. There will be people in your life besides your spouse for whom you care. I have many people like that. The thing you have to pay attention to is where your feelings are heading. There are some men whom I dearly love. I treasure them as if they were brothers. I encourage them and do my best to lift them up. However, there are limits to these emotional relationships. For example, if I am emailing another man to tell him something nice or to encourage him, I will almost always mention my husband. I might say, “Chris and I are so proud of you” or “You have blessed Chris and me and we appreciate you so much.” I also make sure that I don’t tell another man something that Chris doesn’t already know. Chris is the first person I share my heart with and vice versa. I am very guarded with my heart. If I share something with another man, say in my life group, it’s fairly vague. I would never cry on another man’s shoulder. It’s not appropriate, in my opinion. That is a recipe for disaster. I tend to be a little on the naive side. (Don’t I, Mother?) As I was writing this I found myself saying, “None of my readers would ever have inappropriate relationships with someone of the opposite sex who is not their spouse.” Very quickly, I was reminded of the fallen and depraved world in which we live. And honestly? I guess it doesn’t have to be someone of the opposite sex, now does it. Fallen and depraved indeed. If you have an inappropriate relationship with someone other than your spouse, you need to end it. For the sake of your marriage. If you have a good, healthy way to have relationships outside of your marriage, please share your ideas and advice with the rest of us.

16 thoughts on “Feelings. Nothing More That Feelings.”

  1. Good thoughts, girl! No secrets. None! Even if someone shares something with me in confidence I always ask them if I can tell my husband. I LIKE that covering!

  2. That is hard to have a relationship with a married person if you don;t have one with their spouse as well. I don’t ever go down that road unless I know the spouse and are close to them as well. I always communicate what is happening to my wife and emails are sent from our joint email

  3. My husband & I are working with a couple where this exact thing occurred. Their communication as a couple was not good, the wife became “just friends” with a single man. They were soon emailing, texting, calling and spending time together “just talking”. Well…in time it became a full-fledged affair. We are coming along beside the married couple helping them pick the pieces up, forgive, heal, restore and learn to love each other again. This will be an on-going process that will probably take years to heal…but Praise Jesus they are both desiring to work this out together. We are a number of couples on the brink of disaster because they weren’t protective and pro-active in their marriage.

  4. I work in a male dominated field, construction. I am surrounded with guys. They are “my guys” because I take care of them ie payroll, health insurance, child support, etc. I learned a long time ago how to be their friend without being their “Work Wife”. I also keep it all about work. If they are having problems with their wives I try to avoid being the one to “offer” advice. I don’t want to be their shoulder to cry on. I pray for them all, I truly care for them all too. But I always talk about my husband and introduce them all when I can. I also try to keep a good relationship with their wives.

    Emotional affairs are almost more damaging then physical ones. I am blessed that my husband is my best friend.

  5. I love it when people tell me things in confidence and then add “don’t tell your husband”. Which I always do 🙂 My husband works at church and also bartends two nights a week (yes he does, believe me you can sometimes hold a consistory meeting at the restaurant). There are many regulars that come in of people that I don’t know. But are his “regulars”. I do know that he talks about me to him because I do meet them they always say they hear lots of stories about me. So, I think it is also about setting up boundaries when other people aren’t around you. Make sense or am I just rambling???

  6. Great post. I always keep something else in mind when conversing or emailing a male friend – assume his wife will hear or read what’s being said and ask m’self, if I was someone’s wife, would I appreciate the manner in which the sentiment was conveyed. I’m just lovin’ this series! I’m treasuring it in my heart for that day when He brings me a mate.

  7. Cindy, that goes both ways.

    As a single male who is divorced and a dad, I love having friendships with couples.

    But I try to be careful to give encouragement to them and not just her (especially if I am better friends with the wife rather than the husband which will happen more often than not).

    But I cannot be stopped in giving encouragement. I am an encourager. It is what I do.

  8. Barrett and I have some friends that are single or single-again that we both pour into with time at our home, at service or out. We do a good job of communicating any contact we’ve had, email or text or phone so that each other is always in the loop. Also, I make it a habit to copy Barrett on any encouragement sent to any of our friends of staff and usually copy the spouse of the recipient as well so that all are aware of the purity of motives and keeps it above reproach.

  9. I absolutely agree with my bride here. Wisdom here will serve us all well. What’s up raf? He man, I am at my parents house this weekend and I almost called you to see if you wanted to get some dinner or something. With your wife of couse, nothing inappropriate.. :). If not this time, maybe in june when we come back.

  10. Great advise. I would also say that if your spouse thinks someone is/has formed an attachment to you, listen to your spouse. They usually recognize the signs in someone of their gender.

    Also, what about someone’s brother or sister? My husband if very close with his sister and sometimes I feel somewhat left out maybe even threatened by their relationship. (Did I reveal too much about myself?)

  11. I also tell men that “we are so proud of him”…always including Jerome in any form of encouragement. Great post!

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