Marriage

Expected Trust

I was communicating with a woman recently who is heartbroken, absolutely heartbroken over her husband’s unfaithfulness.  They’ve been married over a dozen years and have children together.  As you can imagine, she is beside herself and doesn’t even know which way is up. But she does know down. Because she’s been on her knees crying her eyes out for weeks now hoping that the pain will subside.  That the anger will diminish.  That her life will “get back to normal”. But this is her new normal.  She just hasn’t gotten to the place to embrace it yet.  And understandably so.  It takes time. Lots of time. She shared with me that her husband is tired of her being upset and questioning him.  Asking who he was talking to, who texted him, who sent that email.  As if that didn’t add insult to injury, he told her that she needed to get over it and move on.  That he should be trusted. Um, ‘scuse me? Trusted? If I could take a second to tell you how I feel about the situation:
Sir, you broke your marriage vows, went behind your wife’s back and decided to get naked with another woman.  Not just once, but continually for over a year and a half while your wife was at home cooking YOUR meals, taking care of YOUR home, and raising YOUR children.  Not only that, but despite the emotionally absent atmosphere that you brought into the home, she remained faithful and true despite how she felt.  She didn’t yearn for another man’s touch.  She yearned for yours, but you were giving those touches to another woman.  Your wife prayed for you and believed in you when you weren’t worth believing in.  And you think you deserve to be trusted?  Think again.
I never had to give that speech to my husband.  Ever.  From the day he confessed nearly eight years ago until right now, he has owned what he did and done everything in his power to earn my trust back.  And I’m forever grateful for that. And maybe that is why I get angry when I hear that people who break the hearts of their spouses by betraying them expect trust to be given right back. It takes a while, a long while, for that trust to be reinstated.  And even when it’s reinstated, it’s never the same. It’s a new trust.  It’s a new normal. It has to be. Earn it.

14 thoughts on “Expected Trust”

  1. Hmm…we had a discussion about trust last night and I’ve been mulling it over this morning. And then read this.

    Trust is a tricky thing. Do I trust my husband? What does that really look like? And does he really trust me?

    Questions I’ve been taking to God this morning. Not sure about the answers yet, but going to keep on asking.

    Much love,

    J.

  2. We have delt A LOT with forgiving & forgetting. I have forgiven my husband but I will never forget. Sometime I feel like those are the same thing for him. If I have forgiven him then I should forget it never happened, it is something that changed our marriage so I will never forget it has taken years for me to get to a place of peace, our marriage is different & stronger, I just will never forget( although at time I wish I could)

  3. I wonder if it is easier for our husbands to wish us to live in the place of forgiveness and trust right away, rather than the healing process that is essentail to go through to arrive at forgiveness and trust.

  4. *sigh* This message is touching right at the core of my inner being. 17 years…..3 children….. and I’m EXPECTED to TRUST??? To just forget about it? Excuse me!?!

    I continue to pray. Seeking answers. Still shedding tears. Tried to forgive. It’s hard to forgive when they are still giving you reason to doubt.

  5. my husband never got to that point. he was never broken over what he did, and he insisted, literally, that i just get over it and trust him again. told me that i need to stop “going back there if you’re saying you want to move forward”.

    it’s not surprising he chose to leave.

    he wasn’t willing to do the hard work of being real. of humbling himself before God and me (and so many others). of rebuilding trust rather than simply expecting it as a handout.

  6. Thank you for this, Cindy. I wish I could send it to my daughter’s father to maybe make a little nick in his unremorse for at least one of the hurtful things he did to destroy his family. I believe in the midst of pain and hurting if the doer of the pain and hurt could just step away from themselves and truly be remosreful and apologetic it eases the pain. Without that the wound is left to “get infected” what else does it have to do if it is not taken care of and given time to mend. We live in a place where “getting over it” seems to be the motto. Not only did I have my betrayer telling me to get over it but people in his family and people I thought to be friends. I needed to read this today. I also read the betrayer hurts too, but I’ve have yet to see
    “someone is humble and broken about their mistake and desires to make amends by working like crazy to prove it.” Maybe if I had seen even a little of this I could have forgiven one last time. I really appreciate you opening up and writing this.

  7. As a recovering sex addict I will say, I have been so selfish that i would do what ever it takes to get what ever my flesh yerned for! When I told my wife of my infidelity it hurt her, of course. I met with Chris Beall a while back and one thing that he warned me, never say “just get over it”! Big mistake! I’m not gonna lie, because of my selfishness and my hurry to be able to do what i want with out being watched like a hawk, i was tempted to say just that! God got ahold of me, and i pray that God will get ahold of your husbands and exhusbands and show them who they are in Christ, and that He still love them and wants to use them! God Bless!

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