Please.I was doing just fine with the fact that my 40th birthday is rapidly approaching. In fact, I don’t mind telling people my age at all. I feel like I’m just truly beginning to live in many ways.Heck, to say that my birthday is rapidly approaching is just being nice. It’s not rapidly approaching. It’s like a car on a track that has no brakes and is heading straight for me. And I can do nothing to gain back days gone by or anything like that.Not bitter.Maybe you’ll understand when I tell you that I was caught off guard a little bit last week when I got an early birthday card in the mail. It wasn’t from a friend or family member just being organized and sending it three weeks early. Nope, it was from the facility where I get my mammograms.(Yes, I’m of the age where I have to get mammograms.)(There’s no time in this post to even discuss the joy of those.)So this card has a big 4-0 on the front on top of a cupcake. My first reaction was that their sending this card was awfully thoughtful. Just sweet as could be. Until I read the inside. Here’s what it said:
Good job! You’ve only got 30 more years left of work. Quit spending money on highlights for your hair and embrace your gray. Make sure you schedule your yearly breast torture exams (my words) to stay cancer free. You’ll want to step up your activity because you will need to stay in shape now more than ever. Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, huh? Embrace my gray and stop getting highlights? These people who sent the card clearly don’t know who they are talking to. I was blonde as a child and by golly, I will be a blonde for as long as they make the chemicals to make me blonde. It’s a ministry that my hairdresser does for me and many others. She truly has a hair ministry gift where she lays hands on my locks. How can I even think to not let her use her gift. It would be so rude of me.(I’m so giving.)As I thought about the card more, I decided that what they were really saying is this:
Wow, you made it to 40 without dying. Good work. You’re over halfway to dead so just do your best from here on out. I know you think you look good with blonde hair, but let’s just be realistic: You’re old and old people have gray hair. We don’t really think you need a screening because your breasts are so small anyway, and chances are, they’ll get even smaller after the compression makes you want to scream every four-letter word out there, but go ahead and call and make the appointment. And get off the couch, lady. You’ve already seen every episode of House Hunters that HGTV has created. It’s time to start walking. We see the cottage cheese on your….beep. Oh, and try to have a happy birthday.
So, to all of you who have ever felt something akin to this, bless you. And to those who haven’t, your time is coming. What?And do have yourselves a lovely day.