Is Viewing Porn Adultery?

Yes. (That direct enough for you?)
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. Matthew 5:27-28
I was asked recently by a woman this question:
Should I stay married to man who is addicted to porn and won’t get help?
You will get a different answer depending on whom you ask. Many will say yes and many will say no. They’ll say yes because according to the verse above, looking at pornography is “committing adultery in the heart”. But, many will say no, because the actual physical “act” of sexual intercourse has not happened. What do I say? I believe that when your spouse is living steeped in a sin like pornography, alcoholism, drug addiction and others that you have to first and foremost pray for them. That’s our best line of defense. Secondly, I believe that if you don’t say anything, you are enabling them to remain in that lifestyle. So, my advice in a situation like this is to confront your spouse in love, state that you will not stay in this toxic situation and that they need to seek help. If nothing changes and you choose to separate, do so with the intentions to reconcile. That doesn’t mean you will and that your marriage will be saved, but I believe that separation is valid and acceptable with the intent to see the marriage restored. This is simply my opinion based upon my knowledge of the Word, my intimate relationship with Jesus and my personal experiences. Ultimately, when making a decision, you must go before the Lord and ask Him what He is calling YOU to do. You have to live with your decision and it’s consequences.

Hope After Porn

I’ve been a huge supporter of Covenant Eyes for a long time. They are an amazing company offering internet accountability and filtering. Over the past couple of years, I’ve been able to write for their blog and share our story with their readers. Recently, I was asked to write a chapter for a new E-book. The book is entitled Hope After Porn: 4 women share their stories of heartbreak…and how their marriages were saved. It’s a terrific resource. And it’s FREE! Download it here!

The Affects Of Pornography On A Marriage

Last week I shared how pornography affected me and my marriage. A couple of days later I asked how pornography has affected other people’s marriages. I didn’t have a lot of comments because this subject is heartbreaking and hard to discuss especially if you are in the middle of it. I did have someone comment about my post on my Facebook page that “nothing is evil of itself, but rather the spirit in which it is done.” Oh really? Tell that to the parents of a child who was abused for years by a dear friend of the family. Tell that to the wife whose husband was killed by a drunk driver. Tell that to the man whose wife left him and their children for another man.  Abuse, drunk driving and infidelity are evil. But hey, what the heck do I know? (Stepping down from my soap box.) I wanted to share with you a few comments from my readers about how their marriages have been affected by pornography.  Here’s what they said:
I knew that he had a problem with it (porn) even before we lived together, but every time it came up, he said he would never do it again. He would change, so of course i thought he would, but the next time it was the same thing. Over the 8 years we were together it got worse and he would even change his routine and wake up hours earlier to get on the computer. He would start downloads the night before with me sitting right there next to him. I was miserable. I wanted him to change. I did things that I wouldn’t normally do to make him want me instead. He never changed and our marriage ended. Even as I type right now, I almost can’t believe I’m leaving a comment. I’m thinking, “Could pornography really be a problem in my own marriage?” My husband subscribes to the world’s opinion that it’s normal and that every guy looks, and I’ve accepted that, albeit with hesitation. I NEVER thought that was me and that was my marriage. Until last year when I found out my husband has done it (porn) for a long time. I NEVER KNEW! We are now on the ways of trying to build back the trust and he is working on not needing it. I don’t believe in it and wouldn’t stand for it so he is working on changing. It’s hard to trust him though. It’s hard to wonder what he does when he stays up later then I. It’s a world I never wanted to be a part of. My husband and I have been married for just over 3 years. I found out about his pornography addiction shortly after we were married. I had absolutely no clue. I confronted him over and over, and it got worse and worse. I finally realized I was the only one working to mend this, and we separated. I still don’t think he sees porn as an “addiction”, and as a form of adultery (and I do). We are going through a divorce, and porn is a major reason why. I am not perfect, but I feel like I have done everything I possibly can to mend this issue, and put us on a road to recovery in our marriage. It truly takes two AND GOD to work at this and make it well. I cannot mend it on my own. We all have free will. If my husband chooses to use his to do his part, then I believe God will work in him. But if he does not, then that is his choice. And for now, that is the choice he has made.
The wisdom of this world is futile. Reject it. Instead, seek God and what He has to say about purity. Get help. Don’t delay. Your marriage depends on it.

He Said It Wasn’t About Sex

You can imagine my surprise when my husband, Chris, told me that his addiction to pornography wasn’t about sex. He said that he didn’t even really consider himself a sex addict. He said it wasn’t the sex that he was addicted to. He was addicted to having his need met in a counterfeit way. And pornography happen to provide that outlet for him. Because his need was to be validated as a human being. He desperately wanted to know he was good enough. There was a gaping chasm in his heart and spirit that made him believe he was nothing. So he went to the wrong source in an attempt to be validated. This caused the cycle to begin. Thankfully, he remembered who he was and learned how to find his identity in Christ not in superficial and sinful interactions. Maybe your issue is similar. Or maybe not. You may struggle with alcohol or drugs or food or movies or shopping or TV or traveling or whatever. You may use these things to get fulfillment. I heard someone say the other day that all addictions are a disorder of worship…a running to the wrong things for fulfillment. What is it for you? What wrong things are you running to in order to get fulfillment?

How Pornography Affected Me

Well, I knew he had a struggle with pornography. I just didn’t know how bad it was.
This is the response I give when I am asked if I knew that my husband was addicted to pornography. Chris told me bits and pieces about his struggle but it seemed as if he had it under control. He had some men in his life to whom he was accountable and that helped me not to give it much thought. He appeared to be doing fine with a slip up here and there. And quite frankly, I could deal with a slip up here and there. The problem was that “here and there” really was a regular, weekly occurrence that he hid so well. I really had no idea. I was completely shocked to learn how bad it was. I wrote in my book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, that I wondered if his struggle would have subsided or gone away altogether if I’d been skinnier or prettier or even a little naughtier in the bedroom. Would that have made my husband want me and not them? Those are the thoughts that plagued me after his confession. I often found myself asking, “Was this my fault in any way?” Thankfully, with a little heart surgery from the Creator of the universe and a lot of communication with Chris, those fleeting thoughts disappeared. I don’t take responsibility for Chris’ sin. I don’t blame myself in any way for his addiction. I know it wasn’t about what I did or didn’t do. I did not withhold myself from him and honestly tried to meet his needs in the sexual arena. But his mind was warped. It had been reprogrammed to see the scantily dressed women online as something to arouse him. And since I represented purity to him, my efforts to please him fell short. This is the cold, hard truth of what pornography will do in a marriage. You think you are just getting aroused but what is happening is that your mind is becoming a hard drive storing a bazillion gigabytes of pictures and videos that will do nothing but damage your marriage bed. Has pornography affected your marriage? If so, how?