I took a big step the other day. Heck, let’s call it huge. For the first time in several years, I told a friend what clothing size I wear. It was as if I were taking one more step toward healing in a particular area of my life. This area happens to be how I see myself physically.

Any guy reading this book might not find that to be particularly astounding, but rest assured, almost every woman reader knows just how difficult it can be to tell another friend what size she wears. Especially if it’s not the size she wants to wear. I doubt most guys sit around and talk about how their hips have gotten bigger or how they are unable to fit into their size thirty-four jeans anymore. In time, boys. In time.

At the time I am writing this, I have been out of high school for nearly eighteen years. I am forty-five pounds heavier than the day I wore my size six wedding dress just fourteen years ago. If I don’t hold my face high enough, I see a double chin. I have a tummy issue that I have labeled my “front butt” for obvious reasons. I’ve given birth to two large baby boys, and I have stretch marks to prove it. When I sneeze or laugh really hard, my legs must be together or else. (Ladies, you know what I’m talking about.) Did I mention I’ve given birth to two large baby boys?

And I’m only thirty-six years old.

Why am I so critical of my body? It’s very possibly because I learned to be. Early on I learned that pretty, skinny girls get the boys. As a teenage girl, being thin came easily. Participating in sports year-round helped my waistline. But, when it came to being a beauty, I never felt like I was. After all, the boys were “just friends” with me. Not to mention that my 5’10 ½” frame was definitely on the awkward side. I would have loved to have been known as a pretty girl and not just the “best friend of the senior class.”

Upon entering college and having my activity level decline significantly, my weight began to rise. Oh, it was nothing drastic (after all, I was a rail to begin with), but, I noticed. And I got discouraged. I didn’t really have any eating disorders per se, but certainly did try to eat as little as possible to help keep weight off. As a Christ follower, I would battle with spending time working on my physical appearance versus developing my inner character. Eventually, a verse that brought me a lot of clarity on this issue.

For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for the both the present life and the life to come. 1 Timothy 4:8

Even though I knew this verse to be true, I spent many of the subsequent years in a war that the enemy waged upon my mind. It seemed like every corner I turned and every spiritual victory I experienced was still overshadowed by the negative feelings I had toward my own body. I was overwhelmed with the broken part of my mindset that needed to be remedied. I just saw my body in a negative light.

Perhaps you know exactly what I am talking about. There is no doubt in me that some of you reading this book have experienced a similar spiritual warfare. You might even wonder how I was able to read your mind and put your thoughts down on paper. I’m far from a mind reader, but I have talked with countless women who have been plagued with these same feelings and insecurities.

For some odd reason, most people in our country believe that if a person is beautiful on the outside, all is well. It’s as if we have completely discarded the fact that a person is not just body, but spirit and soul as well. And since I’m being absolutely truthful with you, I need you to know that I have had those exact same thoughts myself.

I believe a majority of men and women in our country feel some pressure to live up to a certain physical image. Billboards plastered with unrealistic images bombard us, commercials depress us, and magazines containing airbrushed beauties and hunks remind us how we don’t measure up.

And then there’s the more sordid side of Americans’ obsession with the body.

Porn.

I remember the first time Chris told me he was struggling with pornography. It was very early on in our marriage. I wasn’t devastated, because he made it sound like it was not a big problem. But as my mind started to travel down a dead-end road, I began to wonder what was wrong with me. I wondered what I could do to make myself look more attractive to my husband. I wanted to know what he needed from me to eliminate his desire to look at other women. I must not have been pretty enough or thin enough or had enough to satisfy his visual desires. There had to be something wrong with me.

How did you feel when you first learned of your husband’s addiction to pornography? It’s very possible that you felt the same way that I did. Disheartening, isn’t it? Not only do you see yourself as imperfect physically, but obviously, your husband does, too, right?

Wrong. It’s not about you.

You need to know that you could have the perfect figure and looks and it still wouldn’t be enough to satisfy your husband’s needs as a porn addict. You already know that I’ve spoken with many women whose husbands have this addiction. You’ve even read some of their stories. What you don’t know is that many of the women are extremely beautiful in the world’s eyes. In fact, they might even be considered drop-dead gorgeous with “to die for” figures. And their husbands still had a porn addiction. Let’s dissect this for a minute.

Get Thee Behind Me

Sin is enjoyable. I’ll say it again. Sin is enjoyable. The consequences of sin are anything but enjoyable, but the actual act of sin itself is very much so. If sin wasn’t fun, we wouldn’t be falling into it or jumping into it every chance we got! Sin is fun. It’s also debilitating, sneaky, and destructive.

Many times in our lives we see situations develop in or around us that might take us down a path that wouldn’t please God. We see them, recognize them, and turn from them. Other times they sneak up on us, and we are caught unaware. At times like these we have literally been seduced and have fallen into a trap. Let me give you an example.

You have a man and a woman who are neighbors. Their families do things together and they help each other out. Both are married and have families. They sense a connection and begin to, well, connect. He confides in her things that he wishes were different about his wife, and she does the same. Their emotions get involved, and before you know it, they find themselves in a full-blown extramarital affair.

Sin sneaks up on us and seduces us. This couple didn’t “plan” to commit adultery. But it happened. Here are a few passages of Scripture that further illustrate my thought:

Be careful, or you will be enticed to turn away and worship other gods and bow down to them. Deuteronomy 11:16

Be careful that no one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. Job 36:18

A violent man entices his neighbor and leads him down a path that is not good. Proverbs 16:29

Do you see my point? You could look like you just finished a photo shoot for Glamour magazine. It’s not enough to keep your husband from being enticed by the “sin that so easily entangles him”.

It’s not about you.

Another fact about sin, which we all need to remember, is that the more forbidden or off-limits something is to us, the more we want it. Ever heard the saying “We always want what we can’t have”? Ever felt that way towards something? I certainly have.

Before I met my husband, I was in a relationship with another guy. We both were Christ followers. And we both really wanted to kiss each other. But, we had decided early on that we didn’t want to go down the “physical” road for a long time. We had both been in relationships where we jumped on that bandwagon a little too early and didn’t really get to know the other person. So, there were times when we were cuddling or hugging and felt like the most natural thing to do next was to kiss…but, we didn’t.

Before you assume that I am a prude and against kissing before marriage, hear me out. I’m not. I didn’t wait until I was married to kiss my husband. I’m simply talking about putting off something that could potentially put you in a compromising position. For those who desire to save sex until they are married, to choose to prolong kissing, in my opinion, is a wise decision.

Because my past boyfriend and I made a decision to refrain from kissing, I think we wanted it more. It was the forbidden aspect of it all. We wanted something that we both decided we shouldn’t have.

The same concept applies to pornography. For the thousands of Christ followers who are addicted to it, they seem to want it more than the average person who does not see it as a sin. It’s very common for us humans to want what we either can’t have or what is not good for us.

We Got To Pray

Now that you know this information, what do you do with it? Well, for starters, you pray. You get on your knees and stay on your knees until calluses have formed. You pray that your husband will be free from his addiction to pornography. You pray and pray and pray. And when you think you have prayed enough, you pray some more.

I find a lot of information about Bible passages from the Internet. One particular website I use quite often allows me to type in a keyword and get scriptures that have to do with this keyword. I decided the look up the word “pray.” When I did, there were over 350 verses in both the Old and New Testaments that had to do with praying. That tells me that we need to take this praying thing seriously. Allow these verses to convince you.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. Colossians 4:2

Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. James 5:13

As impossible as you may believe it is for your husband to be free from his porn addiction, it is not. Prayer is a powerful weapon, which God has given us in our battle against the lusts of the flesh.

My husband has not viewed pornography in over five years. It has not been easy for him. Prayer (and lots of it) has been the key to his success. Moreover, he has had the help of some wonderful and caring people. It’s taken a “village” to help him succeed in this struggle. But his success is ultimately due to the power of the Holy Spirit. Claim these verses and watch God do what He does best.

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with men is possible with God. Luke 18:27

He performs wonders that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted. Job 5:9

You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples. Psalm 77:14

I believe with all of my heart that it is vital for you to pray for your husband’s freedom. Along with that, you must come to a place where you are at peace with your body. Be realistic. If you are a woman who thinks she’s fat but really isn’t, get to the root of whatever it is that is leading you down this destructive road. Trust me, it’s destructive.

Find out what you need to do to be healthy. Notice that I didn’t say that you needed to be a certain size or weight; I said healthy. I’m no fitness guru, but most people I know who are overweight, or even obese, aren’t exercising regularly. I’m a firm believer in exercising to keep your body healthy. (And to allow you to eat a few cookies here and there.) I believe that our goal as human beings should be to have healthy bodies. Healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes. What does yours look like?

Seeing how I look now and remembering how I looked when I was twenty-two years old, I know that there was nothing wrong with my body. I might have even been bordering the “too thin” line. Good grief, if I had that body again, I would take it and run all the way to the bank with it! I’m no fool.

He Likes Me

The other day my husband and I were in the bathroom getting ready. He told me that he didn’t think I had a realistic view of my body. He said that while I see areas that need to be corrected, most people see a very in-shape, proportionate woman. He told me that he notices how fit I am by my face and my legs. He told me I looked amazing.

My husband thinks I’m a babe. And that makes me smile.

I haven’t lost a lot of the “baby weight” that women get during pregnancy and my baby is nearly three years old. I still have love handles on my sides. My husband and I enjoy a good bowl of cookies and ice cream together. And I’m okay with that.

This mental battle in which I engage with the enemy on a daily basis has not declined by any means. The Enemy of my soul still wants to kill me, steal from me, and destroy me. He hasn’t changed a bit. Neither have his tactics. But, I am getting smarter at recognizing and fighting them. While I am not out of the woods just yet, I am on the “back nine” of this course that I’ve walked for some time now. I’m very aware that my body is definitely not the way it used to be, but I don’t strive for that anymore. My goal is for my body to be healthy. That’s really all we should seek.