I let my mind go wild with wonder. Within a few minutes I began to wonder how I would exist as a single mom raising my son. I figured that I would need to go back and teach elementary school for a living. Getting a position anywhere would be difficult since I’d been out of the classroom for over four years. My heart then sank even more at the thought of Noah in daycare. It was a privilege for me to stay home and raise him. I saw that era coming to an end.I wondered how Chris would make a living to support himself, us, and his new child with another woman. Our current financial situation barely got us by every month. How would it get all of us by in three different households? My livelihood would be affected. I would need his financial support to make it through, because I surely didn’t want to live off my mother at the age of thirty-one. Asking her to help me get on my feet was going to be hard enough.
Watching my father suffer through and die from cancer as a nineteen-year-old had been the most painful experience in my life thus far. It was a difficult eight months during my first year of college. His absence from my college graduation, wedding day, and the birth of my first son were heartbreaking. This new burden was heavier than any I’d ever experienced in my three decades of life. And the only reason I now carried this burden was because my husband could carry it no more. That was the cold, hard reality about my situation. It was a very selfish move on his behalf, I thought. What made Chris think that he could just unload all of his junk on me, that he could lighten his load while I suffocated under the weight of his confession?
The Weight of the Burden
A few hours later, I decided to take a shower. The water began to hit my body and all I could do was cry. Actually, crying is not quite an accurate description. I think weeping and all-out sobbing would be better. I was convulsing so much in my pain that an onlooker might have thought I was having a seizure. I was obviously loud, because Chris came in and made an attempt to comfort me. I immediately turned away from him. After all, his actions were the source of my pain. Then, a moment later, I was wishing his arms were around me – to comfort me, to protect me from this pain. It was very confusing to love and hate my spouse at the same time.
Later that day, I was spending time with Noah. I tried to control my tears around him, but that feat was just too difficult to accomplish. In his innocent little way, he tried to comfort me. I remember him asking, “Why you so sad fo, mommy?”
Should a child who is a week away from his third birthday have to comfort his devastated mother? Should his world be wrecked because his daddy made horrible choices? It wasn’t fair. Although he doesn’t remember asking me that question, it will always be a very powerful memory to me.
I thought that day was the worst day of my life. I would soon find that it was just the first in a series of days that would take me to places I’d never imagined. I’d always considered my self a hopeful person – until now. I remember begging God to take my life. I even went so far as to explain to God how he could orchestrate it when Noah wasn’t in the car. All it would take was one little swerve in my SUV and the pain would end. I just wanted to die. Surely His presence would be far better than living this life on earth.
I knew the Psalm that said joy would come in the morning, but that was my reality. Not that God’s Word wasn’t and isn’t true, but sorrow became an ever-present companion each morning as I awoke to begin the day with my son. The odd thing was that as each day progressed, I felt better. By the evenings, I might even laugh a little or watch some mindless sitcom. Staying up late at night brought me more comfort. I guess I hoped the morning would not come. When it did, my first waking thought was the state of my marriage. It was almost as if I was re-living Chris’ confession to me on a daily basis.
I am not a proponent of abortion, but I must confess that it sounded like a very convenient option for my life at this time. Consumed by my own grief, I wasn’t even thinking about the other woman’s life or circumstances. I could not believe this was unfolding before me. Why in the world didn’t my husband protect himself – protect us? How in the world was I going to explain to my son that he has a brother, but I’m not his brother’s mom? It was far too overwhelming for my mind to handle. I simply could not believe the choices my husband had made. They were killing me.
I still could not wrap my mind around the fact that an addiction to pornography led him to do such awful things. I thought he had just looked at a few naked girls from time to time on the Internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought.
He proceeded to tell me that it began before he ever left his childhood home. An older guy from the neighborhood worked at a convenience store in town. This guy would bring home the old issues of certain magazines that weren’t read for the articles. The guy gave them to Chris and his friends, and they would sit and look at them in a nearby treehouse. Day after day, they’d look.
As he grew older, pornography became much more easily accessible.. He was now old enough to feed his own addiction and no longer needed to rely on the convenience store clerk.
Some years later, as our internet age began to emerge, all it took was the click of a mouse. And if you were really savvy, you could view pornography without paying a dime. A naked girl here and there. A couple engaged in intercourse. But, soon, those images no longer appealed to my husband. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more unhealthy desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him, and he acted out. I now know that it was just a matter of time. Sin never gets smaller. It always grows.
Our Capability To Sin
I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you what I’ve learned about our capabilities toward sin. I can’t even tell you how many times I have heard people say they’d never do this to their spouses. Give me just a moment to explain to you the path God took me on as I began this journey of healing.
For several years, my favorite Bible teacher has been Beth Moore. Of course, she doesn’t realize she’s been teaching and mentoring me since my mid-twenties, but indeed she has. I hunger for her Bible studies and devour any book she writes. I’m what you might call a “Beth Moore Groupie”.
In 2002, she released a book that I would later find to be a very monumental step toward my healing. I remember when I saw the title When Godly People Do Ungodly Things for the first time. The shock that hit me at that moment was close to that of the day when Chris confessed. Did I read that correctly? Did someone really write a book about what I’m living through right now? And it was published this year? And who’s the author?
Way to go, God.
That pretty much summed up how I felt about this divine piece of literature. One thing we can always take to the bank about Beth Moore is her knowledge, love and accurate interpretation of the Scriptures.
Needless to say, I grabbed the book and dove in. I drank in the contents like a woman dying of thirst. I spent a lot of time nodding my head in agreement with Moore as I read the truth she wrote. I allowed myself to weep as I recounted some of the pain I’d recently endured.
I think what ministered to me most about from Beth’s book was the knowledge that I wasn’t alone. She was basically saying that there are countless Christ followers out there who are falling into habitual sin. She writes:
Not only can the godly suddenly sprawl into a ditch from a solid, upright path, I believe many are. I am convinced, as the days, weeks, and months blow off the Kingdom calendar that the casualties are growing in number by harrowing leaps and bounds. Many just aren’t talking because they are scared half to death. Not so much of God as they are of the church. To say that the body of Christ would be shocked to know how bloody and bruised by defeat we are is a gross understatement. Among the better pieces of news is that God is most assuredly not shocked. Grieved perhaps, but not shocked. You see, He told us this was coming. (Chapter 1, page 7)
As my husband and I went public to our entire church with our story, what we’d known in our hearts truly came to pass. We weren’t the only ones whose marriage had suffered from pornography and sexual addiction. I can’t count the number of couples who approached my husband asking for guidance, wisdom, and encouragement as they were beginning their painful journey. Many of them chose only to face it and endure it because of the strength, humility, and vulnerability that Chris showed.
Ironically enough, God chose to use the Apostle Paul as one of his instruments to speak truth to us. Paul was first known for persecuting followers of Christ. This fact alone proves that our God who is fully willing to use whatever person He deems appropriate.
But somewhere along the road to Damascus, Paul’s eyes got burned. Blinded by the light, he could not make the rest of the journey without help. He heard from Christ and after hearing His instructions, made his way toward Ananias to get healed. After this encounter with the living God, he then became a man who lived to tell others about Jesus. Quite a transformation, isn’t it?
Paul wrote to the church in Corinth about false apostles in his second letter to them. He was concerned about them being led astray.
But I am afraid that just as Eve was deceived by the serpent’s cunning, your minds may somehow be led astray from your sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Corinthians 11:3
You see, so many people think that Christ followers aren’t subject to such gross sin. They don’t expect really strong believers to fall like my husband did. They expect us to be perfect. They expect us to live up to a standard. And that standard is one we’ve placed upon ourselves by oftentimes acting as if we’ve done no wrong. But, Paul is very clear that even those who are sincerely and purely devoted to Christ can fall. And often do.
How does that happen? It happens in an incremental manner.
The Drift
During my years as a child and teenager, my family lived in close proximity to a lake. We were fortunate to have a lake within ten minutes of our house in Texas. Lake Georgetown hosted many, many fun-filled days for our family. In addition, we were blessed to have a boat.
In the summer, my dad would take my brothers and me out to the lake and let us ski. And ski did we ever. But, if you’ve done any water skiing yourself, you know how exhausting it is. After each of us skied about ten or fifteen minutes, we would take a break to gear up for another round. We’d typically just turn off our boat in the middle of the lake, float around in our life vests, and relax.
An unexpected thing once happened during that time of relaxation. After several minutes of floating, we looked up and realized that we were no longer in the middle of the lake. We had drifted. None of us had been aware of it. We didn’t feel it. We were comfortable. It was gradual. Yet we discovered that day that unless our boat was anchored down, we would drift.
In order for me to remain stable and strong when I start to drift, I have to anchor myself to something that won’t change. For me to be anchored down, my foundation needs to be strong. It needs to be strong enough that when the winds of change and compromise come – and they will – my faith is strong enough to stand on what I know is truth. My foundation can’t be strong unless I’m spending ample time in Bible study and prayer.
Have you ever seen a counterfeit bill? I don’t think I have, but then again, I probably wouldn’t know one if I saw one. You see, I’m not trained to recognize one.
I was curious about how counterfeit bills are identified, so I went onto a secret service website to learn more about them. The very first paragraph stated that by becoming more familiar with the genuine currency, you can recognize the counterfeit currency.
It’s that simple. Study the original, so that you can recognize the counterfeit.
The same concept translates to our lives. When we study the original, God’s inspired Word, we will know when something comes up that is a fake.
Tricks From The Deceiver
After the creation of the world and mankind, God gave a simple command to Adam and Eve.
And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. Genesis 2:16-17
At this point, Adam and Eve are happy and naked in the garden. All was good. That is, until the serpent arrived. Enter, Satan.
“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden?’” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit form the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or your will die.’” You will not surely die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” Genesis 3:1-5
Did you hear the little twist that Satan put on the scriptures? Just a tad bit off from the original. Eve bought it – hook, line and sinker.
Daily routines such as Bible study, journaling and prayer have become increasingly difficult over the years for me. As I write this book, I spend most of my days mothering two young boys. Because of that, I don’t get a lot of time to just sit and submerge my mind in God’s Word like I could before they arrived. So, I make an effort to spend a little time here and there. I try to memorize a scripture that applies to where I am in my life journey. I play music that keeps my focus on Christ. I also try to limit how much of the world is coming into my mind. I make every attempt to ignore the latest rumors of Brad and Angelina while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store. You may think that trivial, but I beg to differ. If Satan gets an inch, he’ll try to take a mile.
Another way I anchor myself is by being on my guard. I pray up and gear myself up for war. Not a physical war, but a war in the mind. Paul writes to us again:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. Ephesians 6:10-18
Most of the time, our challenges come at us in a gradual manner. It’s seduction, really. I’ve never had a man walk up to me and ask me to go to a hotel with him to engage in sexual activity, but there was a man who gave compliments to me almost every time he saw me. And you know what? It was nice to hear.
Peter gives us an eye-opening description of what Satan does on a daily basis. He’s out there. He’s just waiting to see someone who is not paying close attention. When he senses that, he strikes.
Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. 1 Peter 5:8
There is nothing that Satan would have loved more than if I would have given in to those compliments from the man who was not my husband. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I could have easily gone down that path had I not realized what was happening. I told a trusted confidant, and she and I joined forces and prayed. She held me accountable. That was key. Eventually, the compliments became unattractive to me. I actually began to avoid the man.
It’s extremely hard work to pay such close attention to the spiritual attack that is all around us. Sometimes I just want to sit down and not do anything. But, I have to take the high road, because I realize what is at stake. And I’ve learned that the more you do something, the more you do it. It becomes habitual.
Nobody Plans This
If you asked my husband on our wedding day if he planned to become a full-blown porn addict and commit adultery many times, his answer would have been no. He will tell you that his addiction started years ago with a magazine he viewed up in his tree house. Only it wasn’t an addiction then. However, as our technology has increased, so has the availability of pornography. No longer does a man (or woman) need to sneak into a convenience store to purchase a magazine wrapped in cellophane. For so many, after years of struggling with pornography, all you need to do is close your eyes.
A final way I stay on my guard and “anchor down” is being aware than I am capable of just about anything. While I don’t think that I would ever commit adultery, I am very aware that a few small steps in the wrong direction could very well be the catalyst to a world of hurt – all over again.
If you are a parent, you know the indescribable love you feel for your children is simply that. Indescribable. It’s a love you’ve never experienced. And it’s awesome.
I’m 100% certain that I would do anything to protect my sons. If any force ever attempted to bring harm to their lives, I would step in. I would literally lay down my life for theirs. And I would easily take the life of another if their lives were being threatened.
Does it surprise you to hear me say that? I’m a Christ following mother, for crying out loud. I love Jesus and believe murder is a sin. But, I can also tell you that if someone was harming my boys in any way, I’d take that person out. And I wouldn’t give it a second thought.
So, does that mean I’m a murderer? Not necessarily. It just means that although it is not likely that I will ever murder someone, the capability is very much there. Our circumstances can heavily influence our actions. So, we must be on our guard and realize that given the right conditions in life, we are capable of just about anything.
We have a very real enemy. Whether you choose to admit that or not is up to you.
Regardless of your opinion on spiritual warfare, the Bible is clear. Satan’s mission statement is to steal from you, kill you, and destroy you. He will seek to accomplish this by any means necessary. He is not on your side, though he will try to convince you he is. His gentle whispers to your mind are laced with deceit. It may sound attractive. It may even sound like he is trying to make your life better. Trust me, he’s not.
Get Ready
No pain, no gain. I can’t tell you how many times I heard that phrase during my years as an athlete at Georgetown High School. And I hated hearing it, because my coaches would typically say it to my teammates and me when we were about to fall over after so much running! But, some eighteen years later, I couldn’t agree with it more.
If you allow yourself to think on your past experiences, I think you will find that the times when you hurt the most were the times where you grew the most. There is something about going through pain that brings about change. There are those who choose to allow the pain to sink them, but you are not going to be that person.
A mentor of Chris’ and mine used to say, “Lord, teach me what you want me to learn, and do it fast.” What I respect about him is that he didn’t fight with God about going through pain. When he realized he was about to go through it, he wanted to get the lesson learned so that he could get on the other side of it.
So many of us hate going through the pain. We fight it and often times try to ignore it. No one really enjoys the pain you endure while going through a fire, but if we are all honest with ourselves, we’ll admit that we like the results of the fire. If instead of fighting and ignoring the pain, we’d embrace it, we will find our Savior just waiting with comfortable, open arms to carry us through it. And we’ll be blown away at the changes in our lives because of it.
If you are going through pain right now like you’ve never known, rest assured, it won’t last forever. If you are not going through pain right now, you eventually will. So, regardless of where you are in life, pain will be a part of it. I’m not trying to “speak” anything over you by any means. I am simply stating what the Bible says.
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 2 Corinthians 4:17
It would take pages to list the scriptures that address trouble in our lives. So many of them encourage us to stay strong and not fret when we face troubles. In my finite mind, I can only conclude that we will endure them.
Compared to what awaits us as Christ followers one day, our pain in life is so small even though it can feel paralyzing. Please hear me…your pain is valid. And it’s okay to hurt. In fact, feeling the pain and grieving your situation is absolutely necessary in order to see the growth one day. But, I don’t want you to live there, because there is hope. And that hope comes through faith in God’s outstanding power to bring healing. I’m living proof.
Nothing is too difficult for Him.
