What Now?
Within thirty minutes, a couple of our pastors came over to our house. Their attempts to even speak were futile. I was crying, Chris was scared for his life and they sat across from us hoping they’d wake up soon. After learning the news, they left and I was alone with my husband. I hated him and I loved him and I didn’t want him near me and I wanted him to hold me. I wanted details and he reluctantly shared them. I wanted dates but he could not supply them. I wanted to know why he did this to me…to us. For that, he had an answer.
Pornography.
Seriously? I thought he struggled with looking at a few naked girls from time to time on the internet. I thought he wasn’t struggling with this very much anymore. I thought we were communicating fairly well on this subject. I thought that’s why he met with his accountability group on Fridays. I thought.
I was married to a full-blown porn addict. He explained that simply viewing images of naked women no longer appealed to him. He needed something more. His sickness grew and grew and gave birth to more repulsive desires. Eventually, after years of progression, this sin completely entangled him and he acted out.
As you can imagine, my husband’s resignation was forthcoming. Had he been employed in the corporate world, that wouldn’t have been necessary. But a pastor at a church? (You do the math.) His resignation brought even more death to my broken heart. Not only was our marriage deeply wounded and more than likely beyond repair, my ministry was lost, too. I would no longer be singing on the stage that had become my home in ministry for the past several years. No longer would I be pouring into mentoring relationships with women. Now, I was the one who needed to be ministered to. This role was not something I was accustomed to at all.
Next to our marriage being absolutely torn to shreds, the most devastating part was trying to go about some semblance of a life for the heart of our 3-year old. I tried to hide my tears from him but that was a feat far too difficult to perfect. One day he walked in on me when I was crying and said, “Why you so sad fo mommy?”
What in the world was I supposed to do.
Praise the Lord for you being so open and transparent about a subject that the church at large fails to address. The huge problem that I later uncovered with my former husband was what you are speaking of…pornography. It escalated into horrible, vial things. Today this secret sin is ripping apart families.
I can feel the hurt and pain in your words perhaps because I lived in my own private pain with this issue. I was encouaged, by the church to not speak out. My pastor at the time did not know how to handle the news. I received no undergirding by the body of Christ to grasp ahold of what had viciously ripped my family to shreds. Not one pastor wanted to confront my husband as it speaks in Matthew. It was brushed under the rug.
Your ministry will be blown open wide with your honesty. This touches more people that most realize. I felt shame from my own family that my former husband had chosen his path. They did not want me to share my story or testimony at all. Christ working through you and your story will give many courage. Your story is going to heal hearts. What a blessing your words have already been to my heart.
Cindy, you are a ROCK, girl. This blog is exposing the enemy and the ploy to steal marriage and family! I am so proud of you!
Cindy, you already know that I think your story is amazing. It is the very hand of God working to restore what the enemy meant to destroy. Praise God that you were obedient to Him. It inspires me even more to listen and obey.
I am anxiously awaiting the fruit that your posts on this topic will help cultivate!
AMEN and AMEN and AMEN!
Sing it with me now….
http://www.negrospirituals.com/news-song/amen.htm
I am linking to your story.
prayers and grace to you this week!
[...] cindy continues bravely sharing her story… What Now? [...]
much much much love and many hugs!!
This is an “on the edge of your seat” movie script!
Cindy – Before reading further, I had to know the last chapter, so I looked at your pictures. The answers aren’t all there, so I’m in for the long haul. Bless you for sharing your story – the dragons can’t be defeated if we don’t know where they are…or how to fight them. -Kim
What I want to say is that I can’t even imagine, but frankly I don’t ever want to. But what Satan intended for harm, God will use for His glory!
God has graciously taught me that my marriage has an enemy, and it is NOT my husband. Satan is categorically opposed to biblical marriage, since it is the primary human relationship (created by God in Eden) and the one He uses to illustrate our relationship to Himself as the bride of His Perfect Son, our Savior. We delude ourselves if we think that Christian marriage is not a target for Satan’s attacks on God’s children. Thank you again for telling your story.
just in part 2 of your story and it’s already changed my life.
thank you
Thank you for sharing. My heart is broken for you at this part in your story.
I’m so glad we know it’s a happy ending:) Cindy- thanks for sharing. ……and Chris- thanks for letting her share. So many people have fought for their marriage because you both paved the way!!
I don’t know what’s worse, being married to a Christian who has a porn addiction or being married to a non-Christian who has a porn addition and thinks nothing is wrong.
I will certainly keep reading this.
i continue to think, cindy, what a vessel of wisdom you are for others…some who don’t even know it yet!
well done…
Please keep writing. I am in the middle of this devistation and praying for God to answer the question- shoudl I stay in this marriage or not?
Cindy…I’m amazed at how familiar your story sounds and how it could be the story for so many of us. Thank you for sharing. We were just discussing in church this past Sunday about the need to be authentic, open, and vulnerable with each other. When will the church finally wake up and realize, so many “Christian” families are hurting and broken? I feel it’s time we stop playing church and become the church. Maybe then we’ll see “real” grace, forgiveness, healing, & restoration. Thank you for being an example and leading the way!
you cannot imagine the healing that comes from this post for others now sitting where you once were
i’m proud of you, friend. i love you
Cindy (and Chris), I am so proud of you for sharing your story.. You both have breathed so much life thru what I went thru without even words. Your life is an example that Good does come from our pain. Cindy as you describe those moments, I remember feeling many of those same things. But thru it all GOD PREVAILS!
Healing DOES comes so anyone one out there… KNOW THIS and TRUST HIM!
Thanks for sharing.. I cant wait to read on and Hear Gods Glory
you are blessing a lot of people by sharing from your heart! Thank you
I am praying for you because Satan does not want you to share this. I linked this story through my blog. There are so many Christians in this world, non Christians, whatever addicted to porn. And the churhc is being ruined by it! But I beleive that God is going to use you in a powerful way! God is using you to set people free! If women could grasp for one second how much God can use them when they are real and honest about themselves and their lives, God could blow the roof off their world and use them in so many ways! You inspire me! Thank you for having the guts and the ability to hear God’s voice because he obvisouly prompted you to share. WOW! AWESOME! I am so excited for you because I know God is going to bless you.
Cindy, (((HUGS))) to you girl! I know this is not easy for you but you are amazing! You have and will touch so many lives! Thank you!
So many christian men buy into the lie that they have to just accept that they will always be enslaved on some level to lust. This is not true. He came to heal the broken-hearted and set the captives free. I am happy you are sharing your part of the journey to healing….
I am beyond proud to be your friend. I can’t wait to see what God does in others through you and your heart for Him. I love you dearly.
It’s amazing that you are sharing this story. I hope it is ok that I have linked over to this blog. This subject is so hush hush but I know that it is one of satan’s biggest tools in harming marriages. My prayer and hope is for Christ to work mightly through your open heart.
Cindy – (I’m Nat’s friend, BTW) I can relate to your story all too well. Pornography is deadly. My husband left me when our oldest son was 3 and our baby was 6 wks old. He was a sex addict, strung out on porn with numerous affairs that resulted. The guilt and shame was too much for him so he abandoned us.
Your account of God’s faithfulness and healing is powerful and glorifies our King! Praise the Father for marriages mended!!!! Yet for many women who experience the same thing, they may find a different ending, as I did. These ladies should be encouraged that God’s faithfulness and healing are no less miraculous if the husband never submits to Christ. Our Father will heal the broken hearts of the abandoned and wounded and He will claim those hearts for Himself! The ending may not look the same, but there is still a happily ever after with Jesus!
I’m looking forward to following the blog – I’m reminded of the tenderness of our Redeemer!
Kim
I think too, too many men and women alike allow them selves to be tempted, thinking that they can go so far and be able to keep control of the situations. A look here and there. But like most sin that is not a truth. But sex is much stronger to some, the pull for closeness and excitement have overcome many. I my self have struggled with this having been exposed to sex as a young child of six or seven this wouild be my cross to carry. Not even a hint. Much like Lot setting his tent near sodom if we allow our hearts to travel I believe we will be consumed.
Again thank you for sharing this….I am in awe at your strength and praying for you from a heart that understands the pain {{{{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}
When we fail, sometimes we don’t see the impact on our ministry lives as well as our personal lives. Thanks for sharing your story.
Your blog posts are so honest and open and so appreciated. My father had affairs. My parents stayed married and well, I pray it hasn’t happened again…
I had an abortion when I was 20…I think this blog world gives us a way to help others in ways we never would have been able to do before this came to be. Thank you for sharing your story. Your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Tamara
I found you through flowerdust and didn’t have to think long about sticking with you until the end of your story.
I am a mother with two young girls and a husband of 11 years and my story is eerily similar to what I have read thus far. We made it through hell and have come back only by the grace of God.
Can’t wait to read the rest!
Cindy Mo,
You and Chris are awesome for being so real and sharing your story. Thank you!!
I have been there. Not to the extent of what you went through, but I KNOW what that feels like.
WOW. THANK YOU for your openness about this. I have and sometimes still am the woman minstering to others, yet needing to be ministered to herself because of what we’ve gone through. The sad part is, when it happened, there was no one for us to turn to. We only had each other and God.
No matter how much time goes by, the pain and damage that was caused never totally leaves.
Girl, I’m serious now. You are in my world. I was astonished to read this chapter to read that his name is Chris and he resigned from ministry. My husband’s name is Chris and struggles with porn. My pastors came to our home as I cried and he resigned from his church position also. This entire book is my life. Every detail. I’m off to read the rest. I am so glad and blessed to have found your blog. Thank you for doing this.
I am so amazed by your strength to share your story and your innermost feelings. It is crazy to me how many comments you have of people who have been through similiar circumstances, me being one of them. The Devil is not all that great, he uses the same tricks on everyone and tries makes us feel like we are alone in the devestation. Your willingness to share allows others to see what faithfulness looks like and that with God restoration is possible.
Hi, thank you for sharing your story. I am browsing the internet trying to find a way to ease my pain and a way to trust again. I know that God can do this for me but my husband is making things difficult. He admits to the porn addiction (only because I have discovered it yet again). But, he does not admit to joining an online dating for sex site even though the cookies are all over his computer. Until he comes totally clean there can be no healing or rebuilding of trust. But, I am glad to hear of your victory.. God Bless you and thank you for letting us women know that there is hope.
wow man hey… ive been on this sight …covenant eyes the whole day and now im reading your book thanks for being so strong and transparent enough ti share this with the church world because it needs it porn is wrong on so many different levels and and its right out of the labratory of satan…. GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND
That is what my question has been “What now?” for many years, I’m hoping beauty for ashes. We have the same story, almost. Out of the pornography I came back to the Lord and repented for straying, I couldn’t live without Him, I find my identity in Christ not in my husband. I’m French and look like a Native, prejudice is disgusting yes! even in the Body of Christ.